things to consider.
1. is there a clear proposition or big idea to the essay?
2. how well is the thesis supported by argument, which is substantiated with evidence?
3. quality of evidence—how well have you researched the evidence that backs up your arguments?
4. how concise and precise is your essay? how clear is your writing? how well organized is your essay (paragraphs, use of topic sentences, grammar)?
5. format—correct footnoting, referencing, proofreading, grammar?
research essays have four basic components:
1) abstract (a concise summary of no more than 10 sentences of your entire essay)
2) introduction—this is where you state your subject and big idea (essay statement), your arguments and points you hope to substantiate with evidence
3) main body—a discussion of the evidence and analysis which build the argument of your paper
4) conclusion—a short summary of what you have discovered and argued, and further questions you wish to ask
dylan watkins
subject | matter | angle: implications of revamping johannesburg’s deteriorated inner city. an intriguing angle with conflicting data, but the beginnings of an interesting paper – as long as you justify what you say and then say something else. the task asked for a 500 word intro, not such a pseudo complete paper. this makes for a convoluting document, with numerous unsourced opinions, assumptions and grammatical errors.
proposed structure: replace cbd with inner city. focus on the topic and justify this through referenced sourced arguments, maps, illustrations and graphics.
sources | material | references: presently there are none. you have a lot of info in your so-called structure. where is it from? in the solution you state that the government has implemented strategies – what are they? give examples.
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. take or find relevant photographs and diagrams. your topic deals with the inner city. numerous plans, strategies + maps are out there. the coj has stratagems for the city, along with the now brt. your paper has to demonstrate this. also images of what you are espousing should be part of your argument. not quite sure what the attached images illustrate. you have to caption + reference your material. more work is required to make this a believable and well argumentative paper.
jodine maree
subject | matter | angle: what, exactly, is your topic? there are astute observations when is comes to urban processes, especially in jozi. somewhere between cities not having a single designer and emergent urban influences on johannesburg’s fabric, lies your topic. you may unfold these. scrutinize and test their strengths + weaknesses. ultimately, focus on your topic and then unpack it using a strong argument + illustrations.
proposed structure: not sure what it is. but i think the city of jozi, as you state, is a good example of urbanity. so start there and explore the multiple layers you mention, especially the diversity of jozi’s actors, agents + inhabitants. articulate the spaces and demonstrate how urban design may be utilised to educate society through architecture and placemaking. your last paragraph is a beginning of this.
sources | material | references: do not just rely on kelbaugh d et al. explore others and infuse them in your argument. fanuel will assist. his office is in jozi and he has done a significant body of work in the city. use him.
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. take or find relevant photographs and diagrams. if its jozi you will unpack, then you have a plethora of imagery, maps an illustrations.
marc sherrat
subject | matter | angle: interesting angle especially in defining what urban design is and its historical evolution in south african cities. be careful of biting more that you can chew when it comes to the research for the body. once you nail the topic, your conclusion should then be based on this, that is on interrogating the topic’s validity + the links below. don’t sit back, push the boundaries and focus on simplifying the topic of your paper. the complexity will inevitably follow.
proposed structure: the comparison of johannesburg’s innercity, bryanston + diepsloot could be key. themes of proximity, change, interfaces + connections are rich. access to public transport etc. may also be explored.
sources | material | references: coj is a great source. thorsten deckler of 26’10 south architects has done work in diepsloot and their office is very close to fada. as far referencing is concerned, you need to expand on this.
graphics | illustrations: bravo for incorporating visuals in your topic proposal. given what you say, then the landscape presentation makes sense. include maps from the city + also coj future objectives, plans, sections and typologies.
samantha trask
subject | matter | angle: crystal clear and concise topic. the only concern is the context. south africa is too large an area to cover in 2000 words. it might be beneficial to have a focus area, such as jozi.
proposed structure: the housing paucity has to be linked to the city and to job opportunities, thus the transport issue becomes key. it’s all good + dandy to discuss the various housing policies to combat the issue of housing, but placing these on the periphery of urban centres becomes a contentious issue. it might be useful in making your paper richer to address this. for example, are the new housing developments along the n3 in vosloorus or cosmo city well placed? issues of sprawl, typology + morphology may be discussed.
sources | material | references: housing is a major topic with an abundance of sources + material. the coj contact will be useful + the allocated professional. excellent referencing on your topic proposal, but these may be stretched. sarah charlton, whom i have invited to give a class talk, is a fundi on housing. her as a contact will benefit your paper.
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. take or find relevant photographs and diagrams. these will be key to enhancing your document. consider issues of context and linkages.
mathias boer
subject | matter | angle: check wording. use vocab that you understand correctly and that is appropriate. example: class. that being said, the question is: what is the issue here? it seems that you are interested in the process of space | city making: identifying the players - actors and agents - spatial economies, urban policies and politics. this is a broad field to cover within your essay, try to frame exactly as to what you want to focus on. avoid stereotypes.
proposed structure: no proposal in your document. you could look at 2 different but very specific pieces of urban fabric, then contrast and compare. layers could be history, actors, agents, economies, policies and politics. all which are components of urban form.
sources | material | references: no proposal in your document. maybe you commence from the developer and continue to the inhabitants.
a) cosmo city – ideas and realities might be one relevant case study, b) inner city– developer urban ocean vs afco (affordable housing company). you need to talk to people that use the spaces and possibly those who were involved in the planning process – coj.
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. documentation via photographs before | after (cosmo city: rendering of planning vs reality).
zoe goodbrand
subject | matter | angle: crisp and well articulated proposition. the only thing missing is, the exact phrasing of the topic within a proposed title (for example – challenges of urban design in south africa – gated communities and enclosed neighbourhoods). the sooner you do this, the sooner you will be able to embark on a favourably structured journey. by defining the topic, you will define your structure and hence, the rest of your paper. that being said, the issues raised are worthy of investigation and pertinent to the current urban discourse. the topic of security and crime prevention, segregation, fragmentation and safety are intensely key and resonant components on jozi’s urban fabric, well worth the exploration.
proposed structure: a single clear topic is required. the investigation of theories of improving neighbourhood security, without the perceived reliance provided by gated communities is a very strong point of departure. don’t discard this. think of it as the material to hang your topic and or as a spine to your paper. hone it!
this is another document where linkage organizational structures are crucial. you begin to touch on this when you write about the value of life, transport systems, surrounding amenities, infrastructure and exterior facilities. illustrations will greatly enhance the paper.
sources | material | references: numerous publications and opinions have attempted to deal with this as an issue, so the material is out there. it might be helpful to uncover the city’s position on this regard. the urban professionals will assist in articulating the complexity of this topic. structure your questions to them carefully and try to see as many as possible to get a wider feedback base. check out david goldblatt’s images of dainfern.
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. take or find relevant photographs and diagrams. it’s a pity you didn’t offer any, but i am certain your document cannot do without.
annelide lotter
subject | matter | angle: wording of your initial problem statement is very complicated. try to rephrase it. problems in our urban infrastructure is a somewhat esoteric and nebulous topic which needs to be contextualised, for example, the impact of the rea vaya transit system on the city of johannesburg’s urban fabric. you touch a little bit on everything but it is not clear where you are going. try to answer ‘what, why and how’ with one sentence each – what are you going to be looking at, why and how are you going to proceed.
proposed structure: you start to hint a crisper topic when you state: in an urban infrastructure circulation is a main concern . . . and that to make the whole urban system work the infill bits are important. so perhaps the topic has to do with access. why not critically interrogate the recently implemented brt system impact as positive or negative performing urban infrastructure in jozi? are the routes democratic and promoting societal integration? what kind of impact has the route left on the landscape and how has this affected the “infill bits”? compare + contrast this with another city’s public transport system which you deem as “idyllic and successful.”
sources | material | references: i recommend the rea vaya site and that you push monica albonico for critical + constructive feedback. she did the inner city transport study and has valuable info. she also has contacts to the coj, which in turn would orientate to the rea vaya planners. ikemeleng architects would enhance your paper since they did the urban design along the routes. our cities ourselves explores the creation of better cities through better transportation and demonstrates what is possible when we design our cities for ourselves states the exhibition currently on at museumafrica. strongly recommend it.
www.ourcitiesourselves.org
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. take or find relevant photographs and diagrams. rea vaya site. talk to ikemeleng architects and osmond lange architects. they did the urban design. your own illustrations would enrich the document.
paul wilson
subject | matter | angle: transport is certainly one of the major challenges for urban design matters. but it is also a big + wide field. you have to frame your investigation and structure it accordingly. maybe you should look at the future (see exhibit museumafrica) and unpack the present and past from there. check your wording and don’t plunge into stereotypes.
proposed structure: see comments in subject | matter. focus on specific areas that you may know and will manage to analyse within the given time. contrast different context. you may also structure your essay around different actors + people that use various modes of transport.
sources | material | references: urgently visit the exhibition on our cities ourselves at the museumafrica till 20 march. also check link audi | transport on blog. make sure you know how the mini bus taxi system works.
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. take or find relevant photographs and diagrams. maps and photographs. routes, people and modes of transport. look up studio basel, go to projects: nairobi, go to student work: matatu project.
joanna ferro
subject | matter | angle: not sure what you intent to write about. try to avoid general statements, rather focus on one subject and unfold the urban complexity from there. is it a public space? then you have to discuss public space vs open space that is privately owned. use existing spaces to help you to frame the subject matter you will pursue.
proposed structure: no proposal in your document. i would recommend you to choose 2 to 3 diverse types of open spaces of distinctive nature and develop the argument from there. joubert park vs melrose arch or mary fitzgerald square vs sandton square.
sources | material | references: no proposal in your document. why don’t you discuss the text handed out by kaarin taipale (between public and private – citizen or shareholder) and by enrique penalosa (a more socially and environmentally sustainable city) and compare the argument to johannesburg? take or find relevant photographs and diagrams.
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. take or find relevant photographs and diagrams. again, be specific rather than general.
no name
subject | matter | angle: the importance of street occupation and usage in johannesburg is an adequate departure point and is articulate, easy to grasp premise. where it get confusing is the last line of the abstract: i will discuss whether or not informal trading has a place in occupying any street area or if they should be confined to a formalised and dedicated market spaces. the title suggest that informal trade is important, so how there be a question? if this is the point of departure, then maybe the question needs to be rephrased to something like: does informal trade have a place on the street of johannesburg or should it be confined to formalised and dedicated market spaces.
proposed structure: perhaps the question then is: street trading vs formalised markets? using downtown jozi as a context.
sources | material | references: along with the sources already mentioned, there is a current debate re: this issue within the inner city and its periphery especially in the yeoville area.
http://webwits.ac.za/academic/ebe/archplan/yeovillestudio-htm
simon sizwe mayson can assist ssmayson@gmail.com the urban professional will have info re: this issue as well for additional layers. the informal traders policy will be key in your dissertation along with street voices which would greatly enhance your paper.
graphics | illustrations: it appears you have a clear picture of illustrations. that and a photographic essay of downtown street trade, usage, occupation ad appropriate markets [e.g., faraday, small street etc.] will make a highly colourful paper.
hiten bawa interesting minimalistic cover page. am i missing something? unable to comment further.
no name
subject | matter | angle: urban challenges in general. the topic of the paper needs to be clarified and pinpointed. the received abstract is somewhat abstract and cryptic. definition is required. am i missing something? is this the complete paper. what are the contextual factors unique to the city of jozi?
proposed structure: not sure what the proposed structure is.
sources | material | references: extend these, don’t rely solely on burdett + pieterse.
graphics | illustrations: no proposal in your document. take or find relevant photographs and diagrams.
jessica grobbelaar
subject | matter | angle: as much as the cover with meet dino is an exceptionally beautiful graphic, it remains very cryptic. just like the rest of the submission. the title: the territorial mutation of a democratic city is a very powerful point of departure, but unfortunately it is also where i get lost. your submission is engaged, profound, intelligent, challenging but – does not, unfortunately, address the subject in question or propose any actual therapy for the patients. be very wary + aware of the danger of metaphors.
proposed structure: difficult to comment at this point. you have to use urban | spatial vocabulary (as developed in the urban dictionary) and replace metaphorical + allegorical language with spatial issues. this is not to say that your observations are incorrect but the application in your field of study is questionable. what area are you looking at? where is your neighbourhood? your streets? your buildings? force + push yourself to make those choices and you will not limit yourself but on the contrary, you will expand + intensify.
sources | material | references: interesting research has been done in the field of urban acupuncture and architecture. maybe a possible treatment for dino? i will be able to suggest more once the proposal is more precise on the actual investigation.
graphics | illustrations: cannot comment on this with the material provided but will make suggestions once i know how you are going to proceed.
