essay title the post-apartheid urban plan
subject matter | topic | angle
lovely topic which would have been enhanced by a contents page plus a conclusion. the subject matter is explored actively in a soft way making the paper very accessible, straight forward and a mild read. the topic is definitely a strong issue.
structure
would have been enhanced by submitting the required abstract to help better orientate the subject matter. that being said, the structure is not too difficult to follow, with just some minor meanderings here and there.
sources | material | references
as much as it is a an accessible paper, it feels too dependent on calburn’s voice, especially the latter part of it. this unfortunately detracts from the issues raised. calburn is there to lend a professional voice and help back up the evidence purported by the document, not be the mouthpiece.
argument
because of the lack of a contents page, the argument is a little bit neither here nor there. the paper frames the issue well, makes some peculiar and simplistic anecdotes and observations to finally let the argument be dictated by someone else. the argument lacks the four basic components and ends up coming short.
graphics | illustrations
some interesting illustrations with an amputated graph – what is it meant to demonstrate? the graphics are unfortunately not sourced and what are the images exhibiting? overall the format is somewhat poor.
language fair
bawa
essay title urban segregation & re-integration of indians in johannesburg
subject matter | topic | angle
the personal journey supported by other voices was a very clever expedition. it made the paper very personal and interesting to read. it’s a pity that initially no abstract was submitted, and therefore the paper had mild – almost none – inconsequential ambush tactics.
structure
thought provoking paper with an easy to decipher structure, enhanced by the contents page for better orientation.
sources | material | references
well covered.
argument
the second component of the title is a bit misleading because the paper fails to disclose how, spatially, the re-integration of the indian community is done. the paper seems more about the first part of the title, urban segregation. the heading urban re-integration and challenges faced by indians fails to pinpoint accurately the issue stated in the title. is this, when all is said and done, about cultural facilities? supposedly this is a massive issue and burning question as to how to redress the imbalances of the past? how do we integrate different groups spatially? perhaps the author is on to something. this could have been explored further, to drive the point home. nice touch in including the personal experience. it improves the paper, making it a pleasure to read.
graphics | illustrations
well chosen graphics which enhance the paper. figure 6 is simply beautiful.
language good
boer
essay title none
subject matter | topic | angle
there was a rather tenuous link between the subject matter and the case study in point.
structure
the introduction is informative but lengthy and extremely fragmented. argument is thin and difficult to track and follow. overall structure fragmented and lacks a clear sequence. text flow and page layout very problematic and demanding to follow due to image placements.
sources | material | references
good sum of references. this could have been better utilized to develop weighty argument.
argument
difficult to ascertain what the challenge was or is from the author’s point of view. there is mention on the issues of ‘rights’ and ‘environmental conservation’ but little is discussed on the challenges that these two ideals face in south africa, with regards to developing guidelines and implementation strategies, as well as proposed interventions.
graphics | illustrations
decent sourcing of graphics; placement and layout could be improved to read more coherently with text.
language sub par
bouwer
essay title grappling urban decay and renewal
subject matter | topic | angle
very relevant subject matter but didn’t quite understand the title within the context of the paper.
structure
very difficult to decipher. it is difficult to follow a paper that has an introduction of 5 pages, a body of 2 pages and a conclusion of a single paragraph.
sources | material | references
paper hinges too much in murray, deutsche and gandy. as in it quotes excessively, its only clear position being the conclusion.
argument
this is somewhat begins too explored in the abstract then disintegrates into the unknown. no chapters or contents to guide the argument.
graphics | illustrations
did not support the title. figures 3 + 4 are confusing. on page 3 you state that “urban revitalization is far from a uniform process. it takes place in different locations, at varying speeds.” what speeds? in the figures of braamfontein depicting rejuvenation and deterioration, what is the timeframe? is it an hour, a day, week, month, year, decade, century? and what is the map’s source? the author’s? it’s impossible to tell. there is a difference between filth and decay. some projects such as constitution hill, metro mall or ellis park would have been welcome in illustrating urban renewal. paper left one feeling like figure 5.
language readable
dixon
essay title the gated urban environment
subject matter | topic | angle
the abstract, if one is to understand correctly, declares that the paper will discuss the current gated community syndrome, its genesis; use a case study to understand the impact and role communities contribute, the outcomes of the contributions, to finally offer possible solutions. the headings are, the introduction, apartheid, after apartheid, the aftermath, gated urban environment and the conclusion. the topic, as a standalone discourse, is definitely worth having.
structure
the paper lacks a contents page and the structure is compromised and confusing.
sources | material | references
paper relies extensively on landman, supplemented by law. when the author’s voice comes through, it is laced with too many assumptions and stereotypes, making the document somewhat unbelievable.
argument
the paper contains a lot of positives with a very pertinent issue as a topic. It mostly suffers from a lack of academic interrogation, critical focus and is overtly reliant on other voices to construct the argument. the argument is somewhat convoluted containing peculiar sentences. consult shiuan-wen chu’s paranoid urbanism: enclaves in johannesburg http://swchuarchitect.blogspot.com/2003/07/paranoid-urbanism-enclaves-in.html
document for improved clarity of the issues at hand.
graphics | illustrations
some beautiful, unreferenced figures with cryptic depictions. the photographs, by the author, help in comprehending the context but are somewhat divorced from the text offering very little else.
language sub par
dumzela
essay title urban influx
subject matter | topic | angle
a very thought provoking, poetic narrative of the contemporary south african landscape containing pertinent soft/hard, brutal/kind issues.
structure
it is a pity that the paper lacks formal structure, as in a contents page, introduction etc. this sinks the beauty of the paper.
sources | material | references
none to peak of except the author’s own voice. if this was the concept, then this should have been made stronger, as in personal photographs plus a more in depth penetration of the context.
argument
a very poetic one with beautiful personal touches, advantaged by a keen discerning eye, but, unfortunately, submarined by the paper’s length. this paper is not long enough at or for this stage in the author’s educational career – it has a semblance of an abstract.
graphics | illustrations
powerful illustrations which should have been directly “stitched” to the text.
language sub par
gates
essay title trading spaces: should street traders be allowed to operate at unregulated locations or be confined to dedicated market spaces?
subject matter | topic | angle
a very pertinent and contentious issue which has huge implications to the future of urban spaces worldwide. the abstract makes an interesting observation and states that informal trading is now disguised tolerance. whose position is this? the city’s? the city’s greater population? the author’s? it is important to articulate the position stated for the context to make sense. that been said, page 2, articulating extents and stereotypes and the city’s outlook make for the beginnings of interesting reading, mildly framing the problem.
structure
what starts of as a promising paper is amputated by something and a contents page would have been beneficial. the case studies are the spine of the paper. these should have been interrogated more vigorously in plan, elevation and section to try and articulate and unpack the issue of street vs. market trading. the scrutiny of the building edge [what the author refers to as formal trading], sidewalk [shared foot traffic space], informal trading space and road reserve, would have added a crucial layer to understanding street trade a phenomenon.
sources | material | references
the entire transcript of the interview with aly karam would have been appreciated. a quote of all sources is a must. be mindful of stereotypes as demonstrated in the opening lines of case study 1.
argument
one is able to stay with the argument until learning from current models: successful or not heading. here, things begin to get confusing. unfortunately this is where the argument as to whether street or market trade should be well articulated and structured.
graphics | illustrations
good use of graphics which could have been further pushed.
language good
goodbrand
essay title fortress enclaves
subject matter | topic | angle
relevant and necessary, well framed in the submitted abstract.
structure
a contents page would assist with articulating the overview and structuring the paper.
sources | material | references
too many quotes in relation to the author’s own phrasing. for this paper, there are not enough nor diverse sources or references used.
argument
generally well presented, yet could be more divers discourse as gated communities are a worldwide phenomena and are actually quite a complex phenomenon. the essay begins with an interesting point but, unfortunately, does not take the issue further. nor does it interrogate, critically, the subject matter. it fails to go beyond quoted book knowledge, that is appreciated but should be used to construct one’s own argument academic.
questions/ remarks:
- do you mean human rights or civil rights in the introduction?
- explain movements like new urbanism in a broader context, do not only quote or rely on a single source.
- is it relevant for your argument that the african poor (whoever that may be) is highly affected by crime?
- do not understand the minority | community argument nor the property price argument.
- why is the paragraph title: negative effects of gated communities? this sounds too much like a judgment before embarking on the analysis, and in this regard, it should be empirical. the analysis, that is. why not simply, effects of gated communities?
- how about the introduction of ‘urban rights’ as opposed to ‘human rights’?
graphics | illustrations
illustrations remain disappointing. a photo essay of a specific gated community would have been interesting, to then be complemented by visual analysis of thresholds, zones, public and private spaces.
language adequate
grobbelaar
essay title dino, the territorial mutation of a democratic city
subject matter | topic | angle
city and emotions
city and memory
city and the body
city and politics
the metaphorical diagnosis bi-polar does not become operational in the framing of the subject matter or thereafter on an urban level and remains vague and somewhat wanting.
structure
the structure borrows the format of a medical disease description which is possible. but as mentioned in the comments on the abstract, the essay has to go beyond the metaphor and say something else, which it does not do at this moment.
structure does not reflect on method – how do the interviews and personal experiences relate to the spaces and maps?
sources | material | references
not enough and diverse sources sourced. check urban floatsam, chora, raoul bunschoten but handle with care.
argument
it is not clear from the paper how the bi-polarity is linked to urban space – design, management, programme, form, politics ?
although the engagement with the themes addressed is commendable, the text seems to be unfocused. if you are interested in the image of the city and juxtapose it to its different realities, why don’t you use advertisements (film) which use johannesburg as background and confront that component with people’s realities. or use slogans of official institutions (the world class african city) vs. everyday life. as previously indicated, you have to choose a very specific research frame to be able to go into more depth. (by the way, sola-morales worked on acupuncture and city some time ago.)
it is cumbersome and, unfortunately, not straightforward to follow the argument.
graphics | illustrations
the photographs used as illustration do not relate to mutation, depression or democracy.
language adequate but cryptic at times
kooreyshi
essay title security
subject matter | topic | angle
not sure if the paper is about security as stated in the title page or about defensible space, as stated in the conclusion. the introduction poses an interesting question and sets a platform for 2 exploratory lines: public spaces + pedestrianization. the latter becomes a heading for the argument of the paper but isn’t explored. why? you talk about security and public transport – not about pedestrians. the argument lacks precision and coherency.
structure
case studies are fascinating – manhattan + shanghai – with evocative subtitles, public transport, pedestrianization and security. all very relevant themes but with little or no content investigated in the text and a paper containing too many unstructured assumptions made.
sources | material | references
somewhat relevant sources but hardly explained as to their relevance to johannesburg. a long list if references which help the paper, but this could have been taken further.
argument
inexplicable.
graphics | illustrations
the paper’s concerns are security. the only image which addresses this is the surveillance image. on that front, the paper is a bit thin.
language par
kruger
essay title fighting for a long term sustainable economic transport infrastructure
subject matter | topic | angle
interesting and thought provoking issue but, you frame the problem eloquently. but then how can you write about the issues regarding public transport, the evolution of the 16 seater taxi and not relate it to apartheid planning and the group areas act which was the genesis of the illegal taxi system? as one reads on, one becames aware of this, that you had addressed the issue. this should have been at the beginning of your document and then from here you should have unpacked the issue in response to spatial planning.
structure
very good to have a contents page with page numbers for easy navigation to the document. as said above, the history of the taxi industry should have been earlier to frame your argument and give a historical layer. the paper, after history, abruptly terminates. is one missing something? no argument is offered in terms of fighting for a long term sustainable economic transport infrastructure. in a macabre way, the essay title contains more content than the paper itself.
sources | material | references
this is an urban design paper, therefore the paper should be articulated and framed within this issue – unpacking sustainable transport infrastructure through the concerns of urbanity. this layer is missing. the graphics try to deal with this but in a weak manner. what do the maps – which are really be the spine of the paper, in terms of connecting people in space ¬– signify? it is difficult to ascertain. the maps should be orientating us as to why the brt has been implemented, or the gautrain. how were these lines drawn? what do they connect? why this logic? the bulk of the paper simply becomes the history of the taxi industry and taxi wars.
argument
lacks coherency but has the beginnings of one.
graphics | illustrations
good use of graphics but have difficulty understanding their relevancy.
language very good
lotter
essay title problems in our urban infrastructure
subject matter | topic | angle
the title should read specifically what the context is as opposed to saying “our”. this makes it vague – our as in who + where is our? this was stated in the previous comments. urban infrastructure accommodates more than just public transport. it could be power, streets, sidewalks, squares, public spaces, access to water, waste management to name a few. thus the issue of transport gets lost in the title.
structure
a lack of content plus a contents page promotes fragmentation and meandering. also the structure is too loose and lacks firmness encouraging incoherency. the paper leaves the reader not certain what the point actually is.
sources | material | references
some very difficult to decipher sources.
argument
the beginnings of one which unfortunately end nowhere except perhaps in the bowels of the london underground.
graphics | illustrations
have very little to urban infrastructure and some of the maps are difficult to decipher.
language weak
maree
essay title none
subject matter | topic | angle
no topic and the opening lines are somewhat difficult to decipher. this was addressed in the abstract submission. it boggles the mind why the criticism was ignored and not utilized.
structure
structure is legible. use of headings to separate and highlight different sections of would be encouraged. would help if topic was defined and a contents page was there to guide and frame the paper, to finally conclude with a conclusion.
sources | material | references
use of further references would be encouraged.
argument
the author presents a number of questions, ‘what is the role of design in a city’, ‘can a city truly be designed’ and ‘what is the role of the urban designer’. further notes that the city is made up of multiple layers, physical and non-physical.
interesting and relevant observations made on the city and its functionality. would like to have seen a more in depth empirical analysis and academic voices, to lend another seam, on these points. the author notes how the ‘people’ are an important layer and how they are often overlooked. it would help if the ‘people’ were positioned as the epicenter of the authors’ argument and the relationship between the people (in their various roles) and their urban layers explored. expand on the notion that the city has more than one designer, this is a challenge of sorts, what can be done to ensure that these multiple design imperatives operate within an inclusive framework to produce what is desired and more so required?
good examination of the study area however can be taken further, more information, deconstruction and proposals. the paper has to be given props for really making a meaningful effort at dealing with the larger issue. well done. try and minimize grammatical errors.
graphics | illustrations
good use of visuals. could include additional illustrations and mapping of key city areas to support observations.
language par
mercer
essay title vigorous suburban reprogram
subject matter | topic| angle
an intriguing choice topic, but one that suffers from a lack of submission of a required abstract – this would have assisted in structurally guiding the final manuscript. the result is that the paper is somewhat sketchy and lacks precision. 1 sentence could have help frame + articulate, precisely, the argument by stating, for example, “i am going to look at hendrik potgieter road as an example of xyz [your topic of choice].” a contents page would have helped in structuring the argument.
structure
it’s difficult to frame the argument of suburbia with a single example and brush stroke. the context unpacked in the document is one of many different suburbian conditions. but props should be given to the author for introducing a very interesting issue. perhaps with time and more research the richness of the paper may be brought to life. what is residual space? define it and then use that definition to give structure to your paper.
in nick buehrens thesis at risd states in his explorations in ecological urbanism that the contemporary urban environment is one of complexity and circumstance. the cities that we live in today are built with layer upon layer of technology, material, culture and humanity. they occupy unique geographic and ecological places in the larger world. yet often the relationships between these many layers are unclear or hidden. at worst, they are disregarded or unacknowledged.
the intersections of natural environments, infrastructure and human inhabitation create the residual spaces of the urban fabric. while these conditions represent the absence or ambivalence of design, their examination can lead to a more nuanced and holistic understanding of the forces shaping our physical world.
in order to make meaningful places, we must embrace the residual, circumstantial character of the city. it is here, in the forgotten and disused spaces that opportunity lives.
http://residualspace.org/
sources | material | references
very interesting and apt quotes from urban professionals and academics which assist in framing the material, but because of a lack structure the paper does not clearly state its focus of an investigatory urban problem. this, however, does not contest the issue the document raise – which seems to be, new suburban developments comprising a limited and myopic urban infrastructure.
argument
the document needs structure and a focused way of working. state the issue then unpack it. judging from the submission, the graphics should | would be the genesis of the submission, along with key words and the summary of the argument in a short abstract, then unpack from there.
graphics | illustrations
beautiful drawings and images, which with a more structured text and time dedicated to the exploratory journey, would have made the overall document rich and a delight to read.
language sub par
modiba
essay title reversing the past: planning for first class citizens
subject matter | topic | angle
link between subject matter and content is evident although does beg the question whether the author is insinuating that the previous planning system was not planning for first class citizens, or had first class citizens at the forefront of their planning schemes? an initial required abstract would have ironed this out, had it been submitted.
structure
sections are well headed, structure is legible.
sources | material | references
references are very thin. more are required.
argument
the author has seemingly set out to exhibit how town planning was utilized during the apartheid regime as tool to separate different racial groups. focusing on key legislation employed to enforce and shape spatial development. a link has been presented as how the current south african city is characterized by the effects of this historical planning system. the author has noted to explore why inequalities still remain and place forward possible interventions through understanding the south african political context. this makes for an excellent premise and pertinent point of departure.
the paper introduces land use management systems that the state has developed in its quest to achieve desirable, inclusive and efficient settlements (thus, reverse the past). the document notes that these systems have been implemented largely in urban areas and sparingly in rural communities resulting in rapid urbanization which has further slowed the reversal of apartheid spatial planning.
the points presented in the essay are valid however little is discussed as to how the land use management systems impact or affect urban design in south africa. the dfa was developed mainly to speed up implementation of the reconstruction and development programme; the municipal systems act was promulgated to facilitate the development of strategic planning instruments such as the idp and sdfs which were adopted to guide and inform all planning and development, and all decisions with regard to the planning, management and development in the municipality. the question possibly, is whether urban design as a discipline or planning and development priority is given adequate emphasis or clout in the development process of the south african city.
in general, the essay is inconclusive and does not present sufficient material or critical thinking to locate specific challenges and interventions to urban design in south africa, which is a massive pity since it posed a very weighty and relevant question. but that been said, this is a paper well worth the read, which could have been taken further with more time and focus.
graphics | illustrations
good use of graphic illustration to depict visually the growth patterns of informal settlements in around tshwane periphery.
language very good
mosielele
essay title density the city & its edges
subject matter | topic | angle
relevant and intriguing title. the beginning pages frame the argument and make for a very compelling paper with strong issues.
structure
no contents page and conclusion page. the 3 prong component is key but could have been explored graphically to enhance the issues raised. the paper is highly intriguing and thought provoking. it would have been greatly improved with a coherent structure. pity.
sources | material | references
fantastic inner city observations and articulations. maps would have helped with a significant amount of the authors drawings | illustrations. this is a beginnings of a beautiful paper.
argument
very strong conceptually with astute inner city observations depicting the author’s personal experiences within the inner city. this should really have been the core of your paper to make a very rich paper. your experiences and inner city meanderings.
graphics | illustrations
images or graphic illustrations of the three components, especially the guerilla style dictators on noord, of could have immensely enhanced the paper.
language par
sherratt
essay title contrasts
subject matter | topic | angle
clear link between topic and essay. author though does not state conclusively what the problem is. from the information presented, one deduces that the problem may be lack of the public transport facility in more affluent communities.
structure
structure is well formed, allowing the essay to read well textually and visually. very well done.
sources | material | references
more references could have been sourced for more factual information on the two communities in case study, e.g. demographical data, transport studies etc., to support and substantiate your own findings. an urban design development needs more than one reference to cover the complexity involved.
argument
good observations and the findings are well exhibited, which enables the essay to lay down a solid foundation for the conversation to be taken further – give this some serious thought william. more could have been done to link ones findings with existing investigative data. the authors’ findings presented an opportunity to place forward proposals, of which the document lacks. conclusion notes that the responsibility lies with the cities planners, a fact we are all too aware of but the question is how? what is the problem? what is the solution? substantiate this with questions already out there. questions that have been asked by academics and key urban role players. the urban professional voice would have done wonders for this paper already rich paper.
graphics | illustrations
good use of photographs and sketches.
language very good
thomson
essay title forced urbanism vs pioneering nodal development
subject matter | topic | angle
not clearly formulated, reader then has to rely too much on guessing.
structure
absent – no structure page, no headings. inherent structure is too difficult to access.
sources | material | references
data not always referenced. graphic sources are plagiarized.
argument
- work on content | phrasing.
example: ‘johannesburg was a city designed for the minority of its people….’ can be substituted with, johannesburg was designed under the all covering umbrella of the apartheid administration, which means it was certainly designed for all people but with different rights for citizens of different color and restricted access for the majority of the population. a key component of the systemic spatial instruments of social engineering was the group areas act of 1950.
- work on precise definition.
example: if you work with a specific understanding of a term like nodal development; explain in the document what exactly this means in relation to the theme and frame of the paper, in order for the reader to originate from a similar layer of comprehension. you explain node and in the very next instant ascend to city improvement districts? how is this possible?
- work on developing a method of and on how to argue. if you write about the drill hall before and after, you have to document your argument with graphic material of before and after or describe the context before and after. when comparing urban developments, attempt to gather parallel information to make sure that what you are analysing is comparable. juta and main street developments are insufficiently analyzed – where does the huge income gap emanate from – r9600 – r76800 (per day, week, month, year?)
- choice of case studies: how can ghandi square, as a public transport interchange and drill hall, as a historical building | event space be compared on a layer of movement?
the essay does not explain what constitutes a node, how to measure its success, how to manipulate its performance, who are the actors and agents involved.
it is not clear if you are unable to explain or of you don’t know, but there is no traceable argument and the general paper lacks coherency.
graphics | illustrations
figure 3 improvement district map, wrong source, plagiarism
www.joburgcentral.co.za/map.php
figure 4 drill hall, wrong source, plagiarism
http://www.jpp.org.za/pdf/dhhistorical.pdf
sketch is by michael hart
the graphic language is not comparable and consistent, making it very difficult to access the info. generally, the document graphics have insufficient information.
language check spelling, specifically capital lettering. words are missing and the reader encounters numerous difficult and grammatically confusing sentences.
trask
essay title the challenge of providing the people of urban south africa with suitable and cost effective housing
subject matter | topic | angle
section 26 of the constitution of south africa of 1996, states that everyone has the right to have “access to adequate housing”. that being said, then a more fitting title would have been the challenge of providing sustainable and appropriate low income housing in south africa. this would have helped in framing the argument to then unpack the pertinent issues associated with housing, the housing backlog etc.
structure
the title hints at sustainable human settlements and the challenges associated with their provision. in the abstract it proposes to discuss the root of this and then examine government’s efforts in combating the issues of housing the urban poor. there is a minor discrepancy in the logic set by the argument. the title states the challenge of providing the people of urban south africa [which includes you, me, us], with suitable and cost effective housing, how do we get from here to the urban poor? that is why framing the title properly would have helped. given the length of the paper, it would have been more fruitful to interrogate if the current typologies of low income housing are presently appropriate. their placement on the urban landscape employing the principles stated by the policies such as, the housing act, the housing white paper and the white paper on spatial planning and land use management. a missed opportunity.
sources | material | references
president nelson mandela in his inaugural address to a joint sitting of parliament, 24 may 1994 said the following: my government’s commitment to create a people-centred society of liberty binds us to the pursuit of the goals of freedom from want, freedom from hunger, freedom from deprivation, freedom from ignorance, freedom from suppression and freedom from fear. these freedoms are fundamental to the guarantee of human dignity. they will therefore constitute part of the centrepiece of what this government will seek to achieve, the focal point on which our attention will be continuously focused. the things we have said constitute the true meaning, the justification and the purpose of the reconstruction and development programme, without which it would lose all legitimacy.
by stating this he set up a strong social and normative framework for the rdp in directing the progress of transformation strategy. the housing this has been a bane for city makers since the fall of apartheid and it is because the issues at hand are complex. such as issues exacerbated by high unemployment (in the neighborhood of 50% in most townships), leaving millions of people unable to afford basic necessities. the congress of south african trade unions (cosatu) recently noted: "while africans make up 76% of the population, their share of income amounts to only 29% of the total. whites, who make up less than 13% of the population, take away 58.5% of total income." the hiv/aids pandemic, with 4.2 million south african infected, is adding to the development problem. it is estimated that gdp will be 17% lower for 2010 than it would be without aids.
even where people are housed, conflicts continue over access to basic services and housing payments. reports regularly appear in the south african press of the formation of committees of township residents occupying unoccupied houses, and fighting the cut-off of water and electricity for non-payment of rates and evictions for non-payment of mortgages.
the beginnings to tackle the issues surrounding the massive scale and complexity of the problems are proposed in the abstract then get lost when trying to frame these with too much reliance on olufemi, who mysteriously disappears or is omitted in the reference page. a contents page would have helped structure the document.
argument
this paper had huge potential, but ultimately disappointed.
graphics | illustrations
drawings or plans of the houses would have been welcome to unpack their appropriateness and sustainability. the google maps showing the locations of the housing developments were helpful, but these could have been pushed further to demonstrate their relationship to document mentioned places of work either than just downtown johannesburg. the transport routes [gautrain + rea vaya] would have benefitted to the linkage or lack of to the case study sites, instead they added little value to the document.
language readable
vieira
essay title no title
subject matter | topic | angle
energy efficiency? obviously relevant but has to be introduced different layers containing on various scales. the opening paragraphs begins to hint at something interesting. what betrays it is the somewhat awkward phrasing.
structure
no contents sheet plus a lack of a conclusion. no paragraph titles, but thanks for the page numbers. if you had tried to construct a structure you might have realized that your argument needs more spatial devices. the document would have certainly been enhanced had the required abstract been handed in earlier.
sources | material | references
a strong paucity in variety of sources plus a lack of a supporting academic layer and voice. in fact, this is nonexistent.
argument
does not seem to go far beyond the initial statement: the necessity for reduced power consumption and the need for energy efficient buildings and urban design. this does not question the general intention but, rather, the academic format the argument should be presented in. different urban actors have different interests. you could have compared the interest of the mayor, the designer, the developer and ultimately, the end user? the document would have certainly been enhanced had the required abstract been handed in earlier. the subject matter, the paper introduces, is such a rich meadow with a huge amount of current and pertinent research, which, given the presented work, is even more disappointing. the text remains far too general over the entire length of the document.
comments
page 1, 2nd paragraph, 2nd line. rephrasing the line to, ‘whoever could afford to pay for their electricity and was connected, received it,’ makes it slightly more academically inclusive, and . . . and . . .
graphics | illustrations
the photographs are very interesting but are not necessarily connected to argument. they should enhance this. it appears as if your aerial excursion did not have anything to do with the essay, and that the resultant images were used as an afterthought to demonstrate something which, after reading the paper, remains indistinct. no other illustrations, data, or operational diagrams were utilized to help steer the paper to a more coherent direction. pity.
language below adequate
watkins
essay title revamp of a deteriorated jhb inner city . . .
subject matter | topic | angle
the title and the opening paragraph are somewhat cryptic. still not sure what journey of exploration the author embarks on to ultimately guide the reader through.
structure
confusing. the paper is very difficult to grasp and comprehend. far too many grammatical errors. the opening paragraph is convoluted and confusing which sets the structural temperament for the rest of the paper and making it awfully difficult to read. there are numerous assumptions with almost nil academic base which makes the paper an unstructured bizarre read. comments from the abstract submission still apply.
sources | material | references
since there are almost none, it is difficult to find the paper believable.
argument
an incomprehensible and exhausting read.
graphics | illustrations
the paper made an attempt to fuse text and graphics. unfortunately, because of the nature of the paper, the graphics and illustrations compound the inarticulate and meanderings nature of the argument.
language very inadequate
wilson
essay title none
subject matter | topic | angle
no topic. transportation is understood to be the focus of the essay from body of text.
structure
good legible structure.
sources | material | references
good references, pity about the images sources. one has to assume that they are yours.
argument
the author has opted to discuss implications resulting from the use of taxis and private cars in the south african city. argument is sound and is supported by decent amount of seemingly factual information. some blanket statements which would need to be motivated. appreciated points on providing taxi routes and facilities that promote prompt and more direct access to the transport network for the taxi commuter.
possibly more specific reasons with reference to its urban design scheme as to how new york city has made it possible for its inhabitants to favour public rather that private transport means.
graphics | illustrations
use of sketches and plans would be encouraged rather than solely rely on photographs.
language diction | phrasing to be checked.
graphics | illustrations
some beautiful, unreferenced figures with cryptic depictions. the photographs, by the author, help in comprehending the context but are somewhat divorced from the text offering very little else.
language sub par
dumzela
essay title urban influx
subject matter | topic | angle
a very thought provoking, poetic narrative of the contemporary south african landscape containing pertinent soft/hard, brutal/kind issues.
structure
it is a pity that the paper lacks formal structure, as in a contents page, introduction etc. this sinks the beauty of the paper.
sources | material | references
none to peak of except the author’s own voice. if this was the concept, then this should have been made stronger, as in personal photographs plus a more in depth penetration of the context.
argument
a very poetic one with beautiful personal touches, advantaged by a keen discerning eye, but, unfortunately, submarined by the paper’s length. this paper is not long enough at or for this stage in the author’s educational career – it has a semblance of an abstract.
graphics | illustrations
powerful illustrations which should have been directly “stitched” to the text.
language sub par
gates
essay title trading spaces: should street traders be allowed to operate at unregulated locations or be confined to dedicated market spaces?
subject matter | topic | angle
a very pertinent and contentious issue which has huge implications to the future of urban spaces worldwide. the abstract makes an interesting observation and states that informal trading is now disguised tolerance. whose position is this? the city’s? the city’s greater population? the author’s? it is important to articulate the position stated for the context to make sense. that been said, page 2, articulating extents and stereotypes and the city’s outlook make for the beginnings of interesting reading, mildly framing the problem.
structure
what starts of as a promising paper is amputated by something and a contents page would have been beneficial. the case studies are the spine of the paper. these should have been interrogated more vigorously in plan, elevation and section to try and articulate and unpack the issue of street vs. market trading. the scrutiny of the building edge [what the author refers to as formal trading], sidewalk [shared foot traffic space], informal trading space and road reserve, would have added a crucial layer to understanding street trade a phenomenon.
sources | material | references
the entire transcript of the interview with aly karam would have been appreciated. a quote of all sources is a must. be mindful of stereotypes as demonstrated in the opening lines of case study 1.
argument
one is able to stay with the argument until learning from current models: successful or not heading. here, things begin to get confusing. unfortunately this is where the argument as to whether street or market trade should be well articulated and structured.
graphics | illustrations
good use of graphics which could have been further pushed.
language good
goodbrand
essay title fortress enclaves
subject matter | topic | angle
relevant and necessary, well framed in the submitted abstract.
structure
a contents page would assist with articulating the overview and structuring the paper.
sources | material | references
too many quotes in relation to the author’s own phrasing. for this paper, there are not enough nor diverse sources or references used.
argument
generally well presented, yet could be more divers discourse as gated communities are a worldwide phenomena and are actually quite a complex phenomenon. the essay begins with an interesting point but, unfortunately, does not take the issue further. nor does it interrogate, critically, the subject matter. it fails to go beyond quoted book knowledge, that is appreciated but should be used to construct one’s own argument academic.
questions/ remarks:
- do you mean human rights or civil rights in the introduction?
- explain movements like new urbanism in a broader context, do not only quote or rely on a single source.
- is it relevant for your argument that the african poor (whoever that may be) is highly affected by crime?
- do not understand the minority | community argument nor the property price argument.
- why is the paragraph title: negative effects of gated communities? this sounds too much like a judgment before embarking on the analysis, and in this regard, it should be empirical. the analysis, that is. why not simply, effects of gated communities?
- how about the introduction of ‘urban rights’ as opposed to ‘human rights’?
graphics | illustrations
illustrations remain disappointing. a photo essay of a specific gated community would have been interesting, to then be complemented by visual analysis of thresholds, zones, public and private spaces.
language adequate
grobbelaar
essay title dino, the territorial mutation of a democratic city
subject matter | topic | angle
city and emotions
city and memory
city and the body
city and politics
the metaphorical diagnosis bi-polar does not become operational in the framing of the subject matter or thereafter on an urban level and remains vague and somewhat wanting.
structure
the structure borrows the format of a medical disease description which is possible. but as mentioned in the comments on the abstract, the essay has to go beyond the metaphor and say something else, which it does not do at this moment.
structure does not reflect on method – how do the interviews and personal experiences relate to the spaces and maps?
sources | material | references
not enough and diverse sources sourced. check urban floatsam, chora, raoul bunschoten but handle with care.
argument
it is not clear from the paper how the bi-polarity is linked to urban space – design, management, programme, form, politics ?
although the engagement with the themes addressed is commendable, the text seems to be unfocused. if you are interested in the image of the city and juxtapose it to its different realities, why don’t you use advertisements (film) which use johannesburg as background and confront that component with people’s realities. or use slogans of official institutions (the world class african city) vs. everyday life. as previously indicated, you have to choose a very specific research frame to be able to go into more depth. (by the way, sola-morales worked on acupuncture and city some time ago.)
it is cumbersome and, unfortunately, not straightforward to follow the argument.
graphics | illustrations
the photographs used as illustration do not relate to mutation, depression or democracy.
language adequate but cryptic at times
kooreyshi
essay title security
subject matter | topic | angle
not sure if the paper is about security as stated in the title page or about defensible space, as stated in the conclusion. the introduction poses an interesting question and sets a platform for 2 exploratory lines: public spaces + pedestrianization. the latter becomes a heading for the argument of the paper but isn’t explored. why? you talk about security and public transport – not about pedestrians. the argument lacks precision and coherency.
structure
case studies are fascinating – manhattan + shanghai – with evocative subtitles, public transport, pedestrianization and security. all very relevant themes but with little or no content investigated in the text and a paper containing too many unstructured assumptions made.
sources | material | references
somewhat relevant sources but hardly explained as to their relevance to johannesburg. a long list if references which help the paper, but this could have been taken further.
argument
inexplicable.
graphics | illustrations
the paper’s concerns are security. the only image which addresses this is the surveillance image. on that front, the paper is a bit thin.
language par
kruger
essay title fighting for a long term sustainable economic transport infrastructure
subject matter | topic | angle
interesting and thought provoking issue but, you frame the problem eloquently. but then how can you write about the issues regarding public transport, the evolution of the 16 seater taxi and not relate it to apartheid planning and the group areas act which was the genesis of the illegal taxi system? as one reads on, one becames aware of this, that you had addressed the issue. this should have been at the beginning of your document and then from here you should have unpacked the issue in response to spatial planning.
structure
very good to have a contents page with page numbers for easy navigation to the document. as said above, the history of the taxi industry should have been earlier to frame your argument and give a historical layer. the paper, after history, abruptly terminates. is one missing something? no argument is offered in terms of fighting for a long term sustainable economic transport infrastructure. in a macabre way, the essay title contains more content than the paper itself.
sources | material | references
this is an urban design paper, therefore the paper should be articulated and framed within this issue – unpacking sustainable transport infrastructure through the concerns of urbanity. this layer is missing. the graphics try to deal with this but in a weak manner. what do the maps – which are really be the spine of the paper, in terms of connecting people in space ¬– signify? it is difficult to ascertain. the maps should be orientating us as to why the brt has been implemented, or the gautrain. how were these lines drawn? what do they connect? why this logic? the bulk of the paper simply becomes the history of the taxi industry and taxi wars.
argument
lacks coherency but has the beginnings of one.
graphics | illustrations
good use of graphics but have difficulty understanding their relevancy.
language very good
lotter
essay title problems in our urban infrastructure
subject matter | topic | angle
the title should read specifically what the context is as opposed to saying “our”. this makes it vague – our as in who + where is our? this was stated in the previous comments. urban infrastructure accommodates more than just public transport. it could be power, streets, sidewalks, squares, public spaces, access to water, waste management to name a few. thus the issue of transport gets lost in the title.
structure
a lack of content plus a contents page promotes fragmentation and meandering. also the structure is too loose and lacks firmness encouraging incoherency. the paper leaves the reader not certain what the point actually is.
sources | material | references
some very difficult to decipher sources.
argument
the beginnings of one which unfortunately end nowhere except perhaps in the bowels of the london underground.
graphics | illustrations
have very little to urban infrastructure and some of the maps are difficult to decipher.
language weak
maree
essay title none
subject matter | topic | angle
no topic and the opening lines are somewhat difficult to decipher. this was addressed in the abstract submission. it boggles the mind why the criticism was ignored and not utilized.
structure
structure is legible. use of headings to separate and highlight different sections of would be encouraged. would help if topic was defined and a contents page was there to guide and frame the paper, to finally conclude with a conclusion.
sources | material | references
use of further references would be encouraged.
argument
the author presents a number of questions, ‘what is the role of design in a city’, ‘can a city truly be designed’ and ‘what is the role of the urban designer’. further notes that the city is made up of multiple layers, physical and non-physical.
interesting and relevant observations made on the city and its functionality. would like to have seen a more in depth empirical analysis and academic voices, to lend another seam, on these points. the author notes how the ‘people’ are an important layer and how they are often overlooked. it would help if the ‘people’ were positioned as the epicenter of the authors’ argument and the relationship between the people (in their various roles) and their urban layers explored. expand on the notion that the city has more than one designer, this is a challenge of sorts, what can be done to ensure that these multiple design imperatives operate within an inclusive framework to produce what is desired and more so required?
good examination of the study area however can be taken further, more information, deconstruction and proposals. the paper has to be given props for really making a meaningful effort at dealing with the larger issue. well done. try and minimize grammatical errors.
graphics | illustrations
good use of visuals. could include additional illustrations and mapping of key city areas to support observations.
language par
mercer
essay title vigorous suburban reprogram
subject matter | topic| angle
an intriguing choice topic, but one that suffers from a lack of submission of a required abstract – this would have assisted in structurally guiding the final manuscript. the result is that the paper is somewhat sketchy and lacks precision. 1 sentence could have help frame + articulate, precisely, the argument by stating, for example, “i am going to look at hendrik potgieter road as an example of xyz [your topic of choice].” a contents page would have helped in structuring the argument.
structure
it’s difficult to frame the argument of suburbia with a single example and brush stroke. the context unpacked in the document is one of many different suburbian conditions. but props should be given to the author for introducing a very interesting issue. perhaps with time and more research the richness of the paper may be brought to life. what is residual space? define it and then use that definition to give structure to your paper.
in nick buehrens thesis at risd states in his explorations in ecological urbanism that the contemporary urban environment is one of complexity and circumstance. the cities that we live in today are built with layer upon layer of technology, material, culture and humanity. they occupy unique geographic and ecological places in the larger world. yet often the relationships between these many layers are unclear or hidden. at worst, they are disregarded or unacknowledged.
the intersections of natural environments, infrastructure and human inhabitation create the residual spaces of the urban fabric. while these conditions represent the absence or ambivalence of design, their examination can lead to a more nuanced and holistic understanding of the forces shaping our physical world.
in order to make meaningful places, we must embrace the residual, circumstantial character of the city. it is here, in the forgotten and disused spaces that opportunity lives.
http://residualspace.org/
sources | material | references
very interesting and apt quotes from urban professionals and academics which assist in framing the material, but because of a lack structure the paper does not clearly state its focus of an investigatory urban problem. this, however, does not contest the issue the document raise – which seems to be, new suburban developments comprising a limited and myopic urban infrastructure.
argument
the document needs structure and a focused way of working. state the issue then unpack it. judging from the submission, the graphics should | would be the genesis of the submission, along with key words and the summary of the argument in a short abstract, then unpack from there.
graphics | illustrations
beautiful drawings and images, which with a more structured text and time dedicated to the exploratory journey, would have made the overall document rich and a delight to read.
language sub par
modiba
essay title reversing the past: planning for first class citizens
subject matter | topic | angle
link between subject matter and content is evident although does beg the question whether the author is insinuating that the previous planning system was not planning for first class citizens, or had first class citizens at the forefront of their planning schemes? an initial required abstract would have ironed this out, had it been submitted.
structure
sections are well headed, structure is legible.
sources | material | references
references are very thin. more are required.
argument
the author has seemingly set out to exhibit how town planning was utilized during the apartheid regime as tool to separate different racial groups. focusing on key legislation employed to enforce and shape spatial development. a link has been presented as how the current south african city is characterized by the effects of this historical planning system. the author has noted to explore why inequalities still remain and place forward possible interventions through understanding the south african political context. this makes for an excellent premise and pertinent point of departure.
the paper introduces land use management systems that the state has developed in its quest to achieve desirable, inclusive and efficient settlements (thus, reverse the past). the document notes that these systems have been implemented largely in urban areas and sparingly in rural communities resulting in rapid urbanization which has further slowed the reversal of apartheid spatial planning.
the points presented in the essay are valid however little is discussed as to how the land use management systems impact or affect urban design in south africa. the dfa was developed mainly to speed up implementation of the reconstruction and development programme; the municipal systems act was promulgated to facilitate the development of strategic planning instruments such as the idp and sdfs which were adopted to guide and inform all planning and development, and all decisions with regard to the planning, management and development in the municipality. the question possibly, is whether urban design as a discipline or planning and development priority is given adequate emphasis or clout in the development process of the south african city.
in general, the essay is inconclusive and does not present sufficient material or critical thinking to locate specific challenges and interventions to urban design in south africa, which is a massive pity since it posed a very weighty and relevant question. but that been said, this is a paper well worth the read, which could have been taken further with more time and focus.
graphics | illustrations
good use of graphic illustration to depict visually the growth patterns of informal settlements in around tshwane periphery.
language very good
mosielele
essay title density the city & its edges
subject matter | topic | angle
relevant and intriguing title. the beginning pages frame the argument and make for a very compelling paper with strong issues.
structure
no contents page and conclusion page. the 3 prong component is key but could have been explored graphically to enhance the issues raised. the paper is highly intriguing and thought provoking. it would have been greatly improved with a coherent structure. pity.
sources | material | references
fantastic inner city observations and articulations. maps would have helped with a significant amount of the authors drawings | illustrations. this is a beginnings of a beautiful paper.
argument
very strong conceptually with astute inner city observations depicting the author’s personal experiences within the inner city. this should really have been the core of your paper to make a very rich paper. your experiences and inner city meanderings.
graphics | illustrations
images or graphic illustrations of the three components, especially the guerilla style dictators on noord, of could have immensely enhanced the paper.
language par
sherratt
essay title contrasts
subject matter | topic | angle
clear link between topic and essay. author though does not state conclusively what the problem is. from the information presented, one deduces that the problem may be lack of the public transport facility in more affluent communities.
structure
structure is well formed, allowing the essay to read well textually and visually. very well done.
sources | material | references
more references could have been sourced for more factual information on the two communities in case study, e.g. demographical data, transport studies etc., to support and substantiate your own findings. an urban design development needs more than one reference to cover the complexity involved.
argument
good observations and the findings are well exhibited, which enables the essay to lay down a solid foundation for the conversation to be taken further – give this some serious thought william. more could have been done to link ones findings with existing investigative data. the authors’ findings presented an opportunity to place forward proposals, of which the document lacks. conclusion notes that the responsibility lies with the cities planners, a fact we are all too aware of but the question is how? what is the problem? what is the solution? substantiate this with questions already out there. questions that have been asked by academics and key urban role players. the urban professional voice would have done wonders for this paper already rich paper.
graphics | illustrations
good use of photographs and sketches.
language very good
thomson
essay title forced urbanism vs pioneering nodal development
subject matter | topic | angle
not clearly formulated, reader then has to rely too much on guessing.
structure
absent – no structure page, no headings. inherent structure is too difficult to access.
sources | material | references
data not always referenced. graphic sources are plagiarized.
argument
- work on content | phrasing.
example: ‘johannesburg was a city designed for the minority of its people….’ can be substituted with, johannesburg was designed under the all covering umbrella of the apartheid administration, which means it was certainly designed for all people but with different rights for citizens of different color and restricted access for the majority of the population. a key component of the systemic spatial instruments of social engineering was the group areas act of 1950.
- work on precise definition.
example: if you work with a specific understanding of a term like nodal development; explain in the document what exactly this means in relation to the theme and frame of the paper, in order for the reader to originate from a similar layer of comprehension. you explain node and in the very next instant ascend to city improvement districts? how is this possible?
- work on developing a method of and on how to argue. if you write about the drill hall before and after, you have to document your argument with graphic material of before and after or describe the context before and after. when comparing urban developments, attempt to gather parallel information to make sure that what you are analysing is comparable. juta and main street developments are insufficiently analyzed – where does the huge income gap emanate from – r9600 – r76800 (per day, week, month, year?)
- choice of case studies: how can ghandi square, as a public transport interchange and drill hall, as a historical building | event space be compared on a layer of movement?
the essay does not explain what constitutes a node, how to measure its success, how to manipulate its performance, who are the actors and agents involved.
it is not clear if you are unable to explain or of you don’t know, but there is no traceable argument and the general paper lacks coherency.
graphics | illustrations
figure 3 improvement district map, wrong source, plagiarism
www.joburgcentral.co.za/map.php
figure 4 drill hall, wrong source, plagiarism
http://www.jpp.org.za/pdf/dhhistorical.pdf
sketch is by michael hart
the graphic language is not comparable and consistent, making it very difficult to access the info. generally, the document graphics have insufficient information.
language check spelling, specifically capital lettering. words are missing and the reader encounters numerous difficult and grammatically confusing sentences.
trask
essay title the challenge of providing the people of urban south africa with suitable and cost effective housing
subject matter | topic | angle
section 26 of the constitution of south africa of 1996, states that everyone has the right to have “access to adequate housing”. that being said, then a more fitting title would have been the challenge of providing sustainable and appropriate low income housing in south africa. this would have helped in framing the argument to then unpack the pertinent issues associated with housing, the housing backlog etc.
structure
the title hints at sustainable human settlements and the challenges associated with their provision. in the abstract it proposes to discuss the root of this and then examine government’s efforts in combating the issues of housing the urban poor. there is a minor discrepancy in the logic set by the argument. the title states the challenge of providing the people of urban south africa [which includes you, me, us], with suitable and cost effective housing, how do we get from here to the urban poor? that is why framing the title properly would have helped. given the length of the paper, it would have been more fruitful to interrogate if the current typologies of low income housing are presently appropriate. their placement on the urban landscape employing the principles stated by the policies such as, the housing act, the housing white paper and the white paper on spatial planning and land use management. a missed opportunity.
sources | material | references
president nelson mandela in his inaugural address to a joint sitting of parliament, 24 may 1994 said the following: my government’s commitment to create a people-centred society of liberty binds us to the pursuit of the goals of freedom from want, freedom from hunger, freedom from deprivation, freedom from ignorance, freedom from suppression and freedom from fear. these freedoms are fundamental to the guarantee of human dignity. they will therefore constitute part of the centrepiece of what this government will seek to achieve, the focal point on which our attention will be continuously focused. the things we have said constitute the true meaning, the justification and the purpose of the reconstruction and development programme, without which it would lose all legitimacy.
by stating this he set up a strong social and normative framework for the rdp in directing the progress of transformation strategy. the housing this has been a bane for city makers since the fall of apartheid and it is because the issues at hand are complex. such as issues exacerbated by high unemployment (in the neighborhood of 50% in most townships), leaving millions of people unable to afford basic necessities. the congress of south african trade unions (cosatu) recently noted: "while africans make up 76% of the population, their share of income amounts to only 29% of the total. whites, who make up less than 13% of the population, take away 58.5% of total income." the hiv/aids pandemic, with 4.2 million south african infected, is adding to the development problem. it is estimated that gdp will be 17% lower for 2010 than it would be without aids.
even where people are housed, conflicts continue over access to basic services and housing payments. reports regularly appear in the south african press of the formation of committees of township residents occupying unoccupied houses, and fighting the cut-off of water and electricity for non-payment of rates and evictions for non-payment of mortgages.
the beginnings to tackle the issues surrounding the massive scale and complexity of the problems are proposed in the abstract then get lost when trying to frame these with too much reliance on olufemi, who mysteriously disappears or is omitted in the reference page. a contents page would have helped structure the document.
argument
this paper had huge potential, but ultimately disappointed.
graphics | illustrations
drawings or plans of the houses would have been welcome to unpack their appropriateness and sustainability. the google maps showing the locations of the housing developments were helpful, but these could have been pushed further to demonstrate their relationship to document mentioned places of work either than just downtown johannesburg. the transport routes [gautrain + rea vaya] would have benefitted to the linkage or lack of to the case study sites, instead they added little value to the document.
language readable
vieira
essay title no title
subject matter | topic | angle
energy efficiency? obviously relevant but has to be introduced different layers containing on various scales. the opening paragraphs begins to hint at something interesting. what betrays it is the somewhat awkward phrasing.
structure
no contents sheet plus a lack of a conclusion. no paragraph titles, but thanks for the page numbers. if you had tried to construct a structure you might have realized that your argument needs more spatial devices. the document would have certainly been enhanced had the required abstract been handed in earlier.
sources | material | references
a strong paucity in variety of sources plus a lack of a supporting academic layer and voice. in fact, this is nonexistent.
argument
does not seem to go far beyond the initial statement: the necessity for reduced power consumption and the need for energy efficient buildings and urban design. this does not question the general intention but, rather, the academic format the argument should be presented in. different urban actors have different interests. you could have compared the interest of the mayor, the designer, the developer and ultimately, the end user? the document would have certainly been enhanced had the required abstract been handed in earlier. the subject matter, the paper introduces, is such a rich meadow with a huge amount of current and pertinent research, which, given the presented work, is even more disappointing. the text remains far too general over the entire length of the document.
comments
page 1, 2nd paragraph, 2nd line. rephrasing the line to, ‘whoever could afford to pay for their electricity and was connected, received it,’ makes it slightly more academically inclusive, and . . . and . . .
graphics | illustrations
the photographs are very interesting but are not necessarily connected to argument. they should enhance this. it appears as if your aerial excursion did not have anything to do with the essay, and that the resultant images were used as an afterthought to demonstrate something which, after reading the paper, remains indistinct. no other illustrations, data, or operational diagrams were utilized to help steer the paper to a more coherent direction. pity.
language below adequate
watkins
essay title revamp of a deteriorated jhb inner city . . .
subject matter | topic | angle
the title and the opening paragraph are somewhat cryptic. still not sure what journey of exploration the author embarks on to ultimately guide the reader through.
structure
confusing. the paper is very difficult to grasp and comprehend. far too many grammatical errors. the opening paragraph is convoluted and confusing which sets the structural temperament for the rest of the paper and making it awfully difficult to read. there are numerous assumptions with almost nil academic base which makes the paper an unstructured bizarre read. comments from the abstract submission still apply.
sources | material | references
since there are almost none, it is difficult to find the paper believable.
argument
an incomprehensible and exhausting read.
graphics | illustrations
the paper made an attempt to fuse text and graphics. unfortunately, because of the nature of the paper, the graphics and illustrations compound the inarticulate and meanderings nature of the argument.
language very inadequate
wilson
essay title none
subject matter | topic | angle
no topic. transportation is understood to be the focus of the essay from body of text.
structure
good legible structure.
sources | material | references
good references, pity about the images sources. one has to assume that they are yours.
argument
the author has opted to discuss implications resulting from the use of taxis and private cars in the south african city. argument is sound and is supported by decent amount of seemingly factual information. some blanket statements which would need to be motivated. appreciated points on providing taxi routes and facilities that promote prompt and more direct access to the transport network for the taxi commuter.
possibly more specific reasons with reference to its urban design scheme as to how new york city has made it possible for its inhabitants to favour public rather that private transport means.
graphics | illustrations
use of sketches and plans would be encouraged rather than solely rely on photographs.
language diction | phrasing to be checked.
